how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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