You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
