I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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