I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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