Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
