why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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