i was born a porn star she said
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
