Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
