I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
