I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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