have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
