I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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