when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
