Texts From Last Night · benfuerst's Favorites

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(208): View more from Idaho

We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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(530): View more from California

Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(206): View more from Washington

I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

of course. lets lasso hookers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

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(818): View more from California

she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(517): View more from Michigan

all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.

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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

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(714): View more from California

He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(917): View more from New York City

It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(207): View more from Maine

We are hot boxing the gondola

(607): View more from New York

I hate everything.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(571): View more from Virginia

capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(773): View more from Illinois

That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry

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(630): View more from Illinois

Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.

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(619): View more from California

The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(707): View more from California

I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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(847): View more from Illinois

I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(516): View more from New York

Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

(917): View more from New York City

Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you traded sex for a burrito?

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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