Texts From Last Night · WasaBiJones's Favorites

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WasaBiJones's Favorites Texts:

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack

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(602): View more from Arizona

you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"

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(310): View more from California

I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?

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(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget

(1-316): View more from Kansas

He meets the coolest people when he's drunk

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(407): View more from Florida

you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

hahahah

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin

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(386): View more from Florida

Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Like alphabetically I'd say a v

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(585): View more from New York

I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my entire left arm went numb

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

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(516): View more from New York

I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us

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(586): View more from Michigan

You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.

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(586): View more from Michigan

What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.

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(914): View more from New York

the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.

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(716): View more from New York

He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(281): View more from Texas

Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I think that about sums it up, actually.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.

(479): View more from Arkansas

It was "against protocol"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?

(469): View more from Texas

I still had a cough. It only makes sense

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(904): View more from Florida

thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon

(850): View more from Florida

Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found

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(714): View more from California

The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.

(310): View more from California

Best. Text. Ever.

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(408): View more from California

that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence

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(347): View more from New York

I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime

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(313): View more from Michigan

I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed

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(703): View more from Virginia

I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.

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(773): View more from Illinois

there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.

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(323): View more from California

I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"

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(419): View more from Ohio

you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule

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(240): View more from Maryland

He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.

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(914): View more from New York

answer my text you professional douchebag

(914): View more from New York

and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere

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(757): View more from Virginia

pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?

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(443): View more from Maryland

THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS

(1-443): View more from Maryland

excuse me?

(443): View more from Maryland

I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge

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(469): View more from Texas

The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.

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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

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(727): View more from Florida

I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes

(937): View more from Ohio

Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's amazing

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.

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(323): View more from California

He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.

(310): View more from California

Please stop calling it that.

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(406): View more from Montana

She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.

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(432): View more from Texas

I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(571): View more from Virginia

My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.

(703): View more from Virginia

Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.

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(585): View more from New York

They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.

(716): View more from New York

So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?

(585): View more from New York

Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.

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(714): View more from California

I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(831): View more from California

Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.

(217): View more from Illinois

But your showmanship is impeccable.

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(206): View more from Washington

Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.

(425): View more from Washington

I'll pay?

(206): View more from Washington

Pick me up at 9.

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(727): View more from Florida

The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?

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(315): View more from New York

Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sex is always the answer.

(630): View more from Illinois

Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.

(419): View more from Ohio

You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!

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(477): View more from

He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER

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(281): View more from Texas

Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.

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(925): View more from California

Where did you go?

(1-925): View more from California

I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.

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(315): View more from New York

He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...

(1-315): View more from New York

Hahah. That's good.

(315): View more from New York

I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...

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(647): View more from Ontario

My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.

(740): View more from Ohio

Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!

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(705): View more from Ontario

I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.

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(260): View more from Indiana

The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.

(314): View more from Missouri

What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!

(260): View more from Indiana

Americans.

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(410): View more from Maryland

The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.

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(330): View more from Ohio

When in doubt, it's too much cheese

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Where's your car?

(989): View more from Michigan

The girl I brought home apparently stole it

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(802): View more from Vermont

I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

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(309): View more from Illinois

All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.

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(207): View more from Maine

Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?

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(818): View more from California

You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.

(1-818): View more from California

Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.

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(650): View more from California

Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.

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(714): View more from California

I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)

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(917): View more from New York City

We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and you were wondering how she got into Harvard

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.

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(720): View more from Colorado

New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.

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(858): View more from California

I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"

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(256): View more from Alabama

We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"

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(417): View more from Missouri

When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here

(702): View more from Nevada

Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.

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(315): View more from New York

Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It was awful. He had a wife

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.

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(406): View more from Montana

That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!

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(415): View more from California

I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize

(1-415): View more from California

Can I have the second place winner?

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(516): View more from New York

I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"

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(602): View more from Arizona

He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change

(303): View more from Colorado

well did he get it

(602): View more from Arizona

....yes

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(216): View more from Ohio

then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

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(+61): View more from Australia

Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.

(480): View more from Arizona

You are both horrible and amazing

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(916): View more from California

I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

It's a short, short story.

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(226): View more from Ontario

You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF

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(205): View more from Alabama

That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM

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(818): View more from California

Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.

(714): View more from California

Who cares about New York?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Why do you hate her?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....

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(785): View more from Kansas

I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear

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(650): View more from California

Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S

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(858): View more from California

Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Only if you died obviously.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

Fuck you, my tits are fabulous

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?

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(214): View more from Texas

Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(714): View more from California

I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.

(985): View more from Louisiana

Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.

(413): View more from Massachusetts

The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum

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(804): View more from Virginia

The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.

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(969): View more from

You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.

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(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

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(269): View more from Michigan

CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville

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(801): View more from Utah

What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Stop touching yourself.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress

(416): View more from Toronto

Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.

(631): View more from New York

You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?

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(716): View more from New York

We found Mulan.

(409): View more from Texas

I thought you were in bed what the hell

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(334): View more from Alabama

So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.

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(323): View more from California

He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.

(323): View more from California

Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?

(480): View more from Arizona

I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(

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(630): View more from Illinois

then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(661): View more from California

You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.

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(702): View more from Nevada

My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.

(720): View more from Colorado

School starts next week

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?

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(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.

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(206): View more from Washington

sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?

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(512): View more from Texas

Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.

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(727): View more from Florida

Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My legs r really sober for running now

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think that's how sobriety works.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.

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(770): View more from Georgia

No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Did you high five my face last night?

(417): View more from Missouri

Yes. Yes I did.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

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(512): View more from Texas

You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics

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(317): View more from Indiana

Regret, thy taste is box wine.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!

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(317): View more from Indiana

btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.

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(+10): View more from

I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.

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(212): View more from New York

I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.

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(850): View more from Florida

Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was

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(347): View more from New York

Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting

(1-347): View more from New York

Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.

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(713): View more from Texas

it is shots o' clock and I am never late

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(727): View more from Florida

After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"

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(240): View more from Maryland

You said dick pics aren't attractive

(301): View more from Maryland

Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.

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(435): View more from Utah

Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.

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(719): View more from Colorado

It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single

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(513): View more from Ohio

I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

YES. ALL MY YES.

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(518): View more from New York

Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off

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(713): View more from Texas

You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever

(281): View more from Texas

I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am not getting you a goat.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

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(206): View more from Washington

Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?

(360): View more from Washington

What are you gonna do about it?

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(512): View more from Texas

That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.

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(951): View more from California

I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff

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(802): View more from Vermont

When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?

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(334): View more from Alabama

That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.

(678): View more from Georgia

Good point.

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(360): View more from Washington

If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.

(503): View more from Oregon

Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!

(360): View more from Washington

A cheater.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

can i bring anything?

(443): View more from Maryland

Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

is there a theme i should know about?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.

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(+81): View more from

He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????

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(949): View more from California

We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): View more from Arizona

It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with

(847): View more from Illinois

Yes. It does.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(404): View more from Georgia

He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?

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(618): View more from Illinois

After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...

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(936): View more from Texas

Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yup

(936): View more from Texas

I love us.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Sweet, got a date tomorrow night

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(952): View more from Minnesota

What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

I just got chills

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(425): View more from Washington

I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.

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(765): View more from Indiana

DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!

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(302): View more from Delaware

Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him

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(256): View more from Alabama

On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?

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(433): View more from

Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.

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(831): View more from California

Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.

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(631): View more from New York

He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.

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(540): View more from Virginia

it's like his dick is making a u-turn.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.

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(360): View more from Washington

Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?

(208): View more from Idaho

You need southern Jesus

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(989): View more from Michigan

We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.

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(650): View more from California

You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm

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(740): View more from Ohio

I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.

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(587): View more from Alberta

I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were supposed to behave this weekend.

(1+61): View more from

But... naked.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high

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(314): View more from Missouri

Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

The band last night was really good

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(714): View more from California

Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.

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(646): View more from New York

I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.

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(248): View more from Michigan

And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover

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(314): View more from Missouri

You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?

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(212): View more from New York

Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!

(1-212): View more from New York

That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.

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(801): View more from Utah

I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.

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(904): View more from Florida

Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

the boozy kind. is there any other?

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(517): View more from Michigan

When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

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(804): View more from Virginia

the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.

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(206): View more from Washington

you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...

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(646): View more from New York

I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?

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(585): View more from New York

AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

see that vagina ? that vagina means business

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(425): View more from Washington

YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(551): View more from New Jersey

My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie

(1-551): View more from New Jersey

You've got post-grad studies written all over you

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(805): View more from California

YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.

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(248): View more from Michigan

sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?

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(256): View more from Alabama

You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.

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(509): View more from Washington

My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...

(206): View more from Washington

They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then

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(727): View more from Florida

We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(727): View more from Florida

I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Please never have kids.

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(740): View more from Ohio

New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(714): View more from California

Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.

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(561): View more from Florida

No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.

(917): View more from New York City

That's how he does EVERYTHING!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(512): View more from Texas

Send help, water and tortillas.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.

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(415): View more from California

Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.

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(845): View more from New York

I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(305): View more from Florida

I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."

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(631): View more from New York

are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo

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(626): View more from California

Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.

(1-626): View more from California

I see you met someone special

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.

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(315): View more from New York

He tried to tip me with his police badge...

(1-315): View more from New York

and you didn't accept WHY?!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"

(425): View more from Washington

You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma

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(310): View more from California

Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.

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(323): View more from California

Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sure lol what's that?

(323): View more from California

Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why?

(323): View more from California

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(515): View more from Iowa

Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.

(605): View more from South Dakota

When was that?

(515): View more from Iowa

Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...

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(702): View more from Nevada

I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

How does that even work?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

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(607): View more from New York

It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.

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(425): View more from Washington

She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(425): View more from Washington

Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie

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(707): View more from California

I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.

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(760): View more from California

Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow

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(207): View more from Maine

I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up

(701): View more from North Dakota

Shania Twain would have been proud

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He stood me up.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.

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(520): View more from Arizona

YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.

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(347): View more from New York

Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries

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(940): View more from Texas

Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks

(248): View more from Michigan

Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down

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(812): View more from Indiana

Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can't find our DD

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.

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(212): View more from New York

How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue

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(954): View more from Florida

My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it

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(319): View more from Iowa

She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.

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(850): View more from Florida

Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.

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(209): View more from California

Why is my hat full of peanuts?

(719): View more from Colorado

Don't throw them out, I'm on my way

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.

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(415): View more from California

Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.

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(360): View more from Washington

You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.

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(214): View more from Texas

WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO

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(925): View more from California

i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.

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(941): View more from Florida

When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.

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(310): View more from California

I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

You mean maximum 5?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!

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(770): View more from Georgia

So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

(404): View more from Georgia

So many things can go wrong tonight.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.

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(845): View more from New York

The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us

(845): View more from New York

I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god

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(865): View more from Tennessee

No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.

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(616): View more from Michigan

2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

(616): View more from Michigan

2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.

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(516): View more from New York

No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.

(503): View more from Oregon

I'm on the job.

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(714): View more from California

I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything

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(231): View more from Michigan

You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future

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(817): View more from Texas

Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(518): View more from New York

I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(253): View more from Washington

she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

(206): View more from Washington

so that's what that room is for...

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(510): View more from California

So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.

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(559): View more from California

I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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(207): View more from Maine

C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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(916): View more from California

I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy

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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Be safe. And I hate you.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...

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(248): View more from Michigan

i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(650): View more from California

At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

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(802): View more from Vermont

"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.

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(496): View more from

I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys

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(810): View more from Michigan

So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.

(810): View more from Michigan

They're like sad pomegranates.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON

(908): View more from New Jersey

Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.

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(347): View more from New York

I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

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(707): View more from California

Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.

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(310): View more from California

I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..

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(219): View more from Indiana

Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(313): View more from Michigan

Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.

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(209): View more from California

I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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(330): View more from Ohio

He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots

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(863): View more from Florida

Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.

(813): View more from Florida

You always make things weird.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.

(219): View more from Indiana

I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said

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(+47): View more from Norway

You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

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(410): View more from Maryland

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

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(281): View more from Texas

When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit

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(520): View more from Arizona

I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs

(602): View more from Arizona

My work here is done

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

(860): View more from Connecticut

Tuesday

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(254): View more from Texas

GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT

(254): View more from Texas

^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(614): View more from Ohio

Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.

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(530): View more from California

I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.

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