Texts From Last Night · Rhapsody's Favorites

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Rhapsody's Favorites Texts:

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(904): View more from Florida

I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(845): View more from New York

My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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(208): View more from Idaho

well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(708): View more from Illinois

And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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(530): View more from California

Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(505): View more from New Mexico

KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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(616): View more from Michigan

When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."

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(585): View more from New York

Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude our life is a booze cruise

(585): View more from New York

But without boats...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(360): View more from Washington

The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!

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(626): View more from California

The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".

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(845): View more from New York

Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(573): View more from Missouri

I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.

(573): View more from Missouri

Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were birth control emojis

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(310): View more from California

Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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(661): View more from California

im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(937): View more from Ohio

I forgot how hot balto sounded

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

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(817): View more from Texas

I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(206): View more from Washington

Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

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(585): View more from New York

Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(916): View more from California

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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(707): View more from California

drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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(714): View more from California

And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(410): View more from Maryland

My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights

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(916): View more from California

Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(773): View more from Illinois

in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(586): View more from Michigan

I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(817): View more from Texas

don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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