Texts From Last Night · GX22Hellboy's Favorites

GX22Hellboy's Favorites Texts:

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(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

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(315): View more from New York

She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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(928): View more from Arizona

im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(760): View more from California

I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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(989): View more from Michigan

there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(740): View more from Ohio

I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(620): View more from Kansas

Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.

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(818): View more from California

I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(416): View more from Toronto

ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done

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(727): View more from Florida

josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs

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(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(315): View more from New York

That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...

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(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(636): View more from Missouri

I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.

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(813): View more from Florida

Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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(916): View more from California

She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(626): View more from California

Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

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(315): View more from New York

Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.

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(706): View more from Georgia

having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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(719): View more from Colorado

im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(302): View more from Delaware

He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.

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(631): View more from New York

She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

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(517): View more from Michigan

someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(303): View more from Colorado

we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.

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(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

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(641): View more from Iowa

i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(303): View more from Colorado

Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?

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(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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