I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
