My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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