apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
