Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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