My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i think i have two assholes
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
