I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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