I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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