I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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