Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
