there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
