I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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