I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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