he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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