I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
