Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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