My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
