my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
