So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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