My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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