all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
