Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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