also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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