There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
