I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
