All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
