I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
