You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
