I wish I could teleport
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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