I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
