I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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