Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
