Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
