Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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