God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
