You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
